Love Is A Four Letter Word

Love is one of those words.  We all use it in different ways.  It has different meanings for each of us.  It has levels and depths and insinuations.  Some are afraid to use it, some use it callously.  Then there is the whole thing about putting the "in" before the word.  In love.

I am uncertain if I have ever been in love.  I have definitely fallen for people.  Actually, I fall hard, it's not pretty.

As for the word love, I refuse to save it for spousal purposes only.  Given that I'm single it is probably a good choice if I ever want the chance to use the word.  Okay, well I guess there is family, I use the word in reference to them as well.

I guess the family thing actually solidifies my use of the word in reference to my friends.  I definitely think of my friends as my chosen family and I definitely love them.

Hear that friends?  I love you all.

Looking For Comfort In All The Wrong Places...

I came to a realization recently that I have been “hooking up” not because I wanted sex, or to get off.  I have been hooking up because I have been lonely.  This is NOT a good reason to hook up. 

I have left most hookups with the thought that I could have really just stayed home and jerked off.  This is because with only a few exceptions I have had no emotional connection with the other person.  I have no need to be “in love” with the other guy, nor do I even need to love him.  I do need to like him though.  I need to feel like this is a person I would like to spend time with.  More than that, I need to know that HE would like to spend time with me. 

I feel that more than anything right now I want to wake up with somebody.  I don’t however want to wake up with some random trick; in fact I don’t even care if there is any sex in this equation.  I want it to be someone who wants to be there, someone who wants to be with me.  Maybe even somebody who needs to be with me, somebody who just needs to be held.  I have found that I can take equal comfort in holding someone as I get from being held. 

There have been few hookups lately; I think less than six in the last six months, not counting one guy that I guess I could say I dated for a couple weeks.  Every one pretty much the same, same ambivalent feelings after.

My real fear in all this is that I might get into a relationship with the wrong person in order to get the things that I am lacking.  I might not need to fear this as I have managed to stay single for this long.  Definitely a record for me.  However, I still fear the possibility of this clouding my judgment at some point.  I guess as long as I keep it in mind I should be able to keep it in check.  At the very least I will try.

Born High Def in an 8 Bit World

So I have always been a technology addict. However, a funny thing happened on the way to the twenty-first century: I never got into gaming. To be fair my introduction to gaming was Pong. Perhaps I was ahead of my time then and just gave up on the possibility of gaming being remotely engaging. I did eventually graduate to an Atari console. Space Invaders, Asteroids and Missile Command. These games were an improvement but still didn't hook me on gaming beyond the life of the console. To be fair, it actually didn't die it just stopped being used.

I recently was hanging out with friends and a round of Mario Party was suggested. I passed but told them to go ahead and I'd just watch. Funny thing happened though, I thought it looked fun. A week or so later I played a round with another friend and I was hooked. I bought myself a Wii and the rest is history.

The world of gaming has changed a lot. Beyond better graphics and all the other technical stuff. Gaming is totally a separate form of entertainment. A form of entertainment requiring vast amounts of coordination. Coordination and patience. Oh and memory, probably my weakest area.

I was looking for a first person shooter game and a friend loaned me Metroid. I got 5 minutes in and got stuck because I could not figure out how to open a door. I just wanted to shoot things. The modern video game seems to be a movie where YOU are/control the main character. Really, I just wanted to shoot things.

Oh it's going to be a learning curve...

Happy thoughts...

Okay so this is not the entry I was going to post tonight. I had a somewhat lengthy blog about my views on my relationships past, present and future. It seemed to be getting a bit heavy and I felt it really wasn't saying anything but was potentially sounding whiny.  The draft is saved, it may yet turn up but I decided to go a different direction tonight.

I need to blog about the good stuff in my life. I haven't been lately. Okay, I know I haven't been blogging at all lately. but I seem to have been blogging some pretty heavy stuff and it's time for some random events instead of random thoughts.

So this past weekend was my 45th birthday and I celebrated with my friends. Friday night was a birthday party for myself and two other August babies. Happy Birthday to Calvin (August 21) and Stephen (August 30). Hosted by Matt and Chris it brought together a bunch of awesome people to be sure. Pre and post party hosted by Eric, always a good time.

Saturday and Sunday brought good times with more friends, Saturday morning coffee and movie with Colin, sushi dinner with Rob, hanging out with Shaunna and Harlee for a bit (Ninjering called on account of rain).  Sunday morning coffee with Kim and dinner with the parents. Throw in Happy birthday calls from my sister and my ex-wife (a whole other story) and you've got the makings of one of the best weekends ever.

Some other random good stuff in my life right now: Jessie, the best dog ever. Yoga. Starbucks Vanilla Lattés.  Aussibum Underwear.  Summer. 

I am not 20something anymore...

These are words to live by, or rather words to stay alive by.

I planned on getting drunk last night. I did not plan on being barfing drunk by 1AM though. Actually it was earlier than that. I gave up and taxied home at 1AM. This was a real shitshow in my mind. I hope it didn't look as bad from the outside. The whole problem revolves around trying to keep up with a 21 year old. Drinking Fireball Whiskey has never been a problem but the quantities and timing last night were a bit accelerated for me I think.

The evening started at a friend’s place. He has graciously hosted many a pre-party and has included me often which is very kind of him given we really don’t know each other all that well. There are always interesting people there and I generally just hang out and take in all the conversation. I did realize after the last one that I let my habit of being a quiet observer overshadow the fact that I was at a party and should be participating more. I think I was better last night. That is before the liquor kicked in, which was thankfully after leaving the party. We went to The Mansion and then to The Renaissance. Yes I puked in two different establishments last night. A personal record for me, thank you very much.

My intention was to blame this all on Colin. However, as the evening started with a hug from him when I got to the party and ended with a hug as he sent me to my taxi, as well as the fact that he is babysitting me from afar tonight I will let him off the hook. I will however not let him mix my drinks next time.

That is all. I am now going to watch a Julia Roberts chick flick and drown my loneliness in Haggen Daz. Cheaper than Therapy.

Does this outfit make me look fat?

The question no man ever wants to hear.  Truth is there are many questions we don't ever want to answer honestly.  If you think about it there are many questions, asked or unasked, that we don’t want the honest answer to as well.

As friends, we want to be supportive.  From our friends we want the same.  If we are contemplating an unwise purchase we might want our friends to be honest if they think it's a bad idea.  If we have made up our mind or have already made the purchase we want friends to agree with us that it was an awesome buy.  Stronger than that as the friend in the former scenario we are compelled to be supportive.  After all, the damage is done.  What will honesty serve now?  Who wants to say “I told you so” anyway?

Scenario number two: Your friend tells you the guy you are dating (or girl in the case of people who date girls) is not right for you, nasty, gross, smelly, too rich, too poor, too educated, uneducated or for whatever reason inappropriate.  You are pretty likely to dismiss this opinion, after all, you know yourself better.  Depending on your friend’s conviction you may well estrange yourself from them.  Why would you want an unsupportive friend?

Sometimes I think I am a bad friend.  I haven’t told anyone their boyfriend was a jerk.  I didn’t tell someone they were being unreasonable when they clearly thought they were not and I clearly thought they were.  I may have told someone that colour doesn’t suit them while it was on the rack but held my tongue when it was in the bag.  I just want everyone to be happy and I seem to think agreeing with someone makes them happy.  In the short term it probably does.  In the long term; you might be looking at a huge bite in the ass.

So I have not answered any deep, philosophical question here.  I still don’t know what the answer is.  Honesty is important and I think most of us strive for that.  On a friendship level can we be brutally honest and still have friends?  I’m not sure we could.  It is a social experiment I don’t think I could try given the risk.

PS: Does this outfit make me look fat?

Challenges, Easy and Improbable

I have put forth my 30 Day Challenge to become active in June but I have not posted about the 10 Day Challenge I just completed.  A challenge that probably makes June all the more necessary.  I fell into this challenge by accident.  Starbucks recently ran a promotion; Frapuccino Happy Hour.  More affectionately known, to me, as Frappy Hour.  Half price Frappuccinos every day between the hours of 3:00PM to 5:00PM.  Before I knew it I had been there the first three days of the promotion.  It seemed a logical step to make it to Frappy Hour all 10 days.  Quite proud to say I completed the challenge.  I dragged a few people with me on a few of those days, I am not above corrupting my friends.  It was fun and I enjoyed a few beverages that I would not have likely tried otherwise.  However, like coffee should not be decaffeinated, Frappuccinos should not be Non-Fat.  I am happy to go back to my Vanilla, Non-Fat Lattes. 

While on the subject of month long challenges, my friend Kaytee at work suggested my next challenge.  30 Dudes in 30 Days.  The question is: If I do this in July do I get a bonus Dude for the 31st or do I get a day off in there Somewhere?  Something tells me I would need the day off.  I have a feeling that even if I thought this challenge was possible the rules and exceptions would take the complication level beyond anything I could keep manageable.  Sorry Kaytee I'm going to have to pass on this one I think.

Why am I still up?

Oh yes, the Java Chip Frappuccino at 3:00PM and the Vanilla Latte at 6:00PM.  That would do it.  I have a feeling it is going to be a long day at work tomorrow.  I believe Friday is going to be a bit of a challenge as well but I'll cover that in another post if there is anything worth covering.  I will definitely be stopping at Starbucks in the morning on my way in.  I'll need something to get me through the morning.

A reasonably uneventful weekend.  Highlights would include a Bon Voyage party for Matt and Chris who are on their way to Iceland, France and Italy.  A very enjoyable time.  I also got to grab a drink with my sister who was in town judging a gymnastics competition.  She is in town for this fairly frequently but doesn't often get much down time so it was good that we managed to steal an hour to catch up a bit.  Mother will certainly be happy.

To any art fans who follow me, check out my friend Mack's new website.  Check out the gallery, Disconnect I and Disconnect II will be gracing my walls shortly.  I am lucky to have talented friends.  Much of the art in my place has been done by friends.  I am honoured to be able to display their work, be they professional artists like Mack or novice talents.  Thanks to all who have cotributed to my personal gallery, Richard, Tracy, Ryan, Rob, Calvin and Mack.  Thanks to Colin for thirty days of literature.  Thanks to Dan for getting me into art in the first place.  To all of you, I hope I have managed to give you back something in return for what you have given me.

And now, I shall make an attempt to sleep...

Another Blog All Together

So last time I mentioned getting int the habit...  I mentioned getting in the habit of writing again but more to the point of this entry getting in the habit of being active.  Running, biking, climbing and yoga to be more specific.

So here is the plan (stolen from a friend): Starting June 1st I am going to do one of the above activities every day for 30 days.  I plan on setting up an alternative blog but I warn you it will be short and dry, I do not anticipate any entries more in depth than a few lines confirming I got my ass out of my apartment and did something.

One final thing, I reserve the right to substitute activities from time to time.  Frankly, some days walking downtown to get my car after a drinking binge is going to be my activity.  I am at peace with this.

PS: I am told a good romp in the sheets could possibly be a substitute activity but I'll keep that as extra curriculars for bonus points.

The Dating Game

I had hoped to write this sooner.  I really just have to get back into the habit of writing.  I also need to get into the habit of running, biking, climbing and yoga.  Well that's another blog all together.

In my last entry I alluded to a shift in my thinking regarding dating.  After ending my last long term relationship I decided that I would wait at least a year before I would entertain the idea of dating.  I did break that briefly, I dated a great guy but knew early that he was not "the one" for me.  We continue to be friends and sometimes still go out on dates.  That was my favourite thing about my time with him, we had great dates.  Anyway, I digress...

A few weeks back I got to spend a Sunday afternoon with a young man who made me realize a few things.  I realized that there were things I was missing.  Not to brag but for some reason sex is not difficult for me to find.  So I have enjoyed the company of men from time to time and have enjoyed the physical contact.  What was missing was affection.  I did not realize I was missing it until this particular afternoon.  I have another friend with whom I have snuggled on the sofa to watch a movie and I always enjoyed it.  Perhaps it was my state of mind that Sunday but Colin gave me the proverbial kick in the ass that has put me in a state of mind that I like the idea of having someone in my life. 

Now don't go thinking that it was all that simple an epiphany.  I was actually pretty confused about it and about potential feelings for someone who was clearly not an appropriate candidate for me.  For someone as self-aware as I believe I am I have often been pretty confused about my feelings.  I have been known to fall for the idea of a person rather than the person themself.  In the end though I realized what was what.  I now have a more clear understanding of what I would like and am keeping an open mind to the possibilities.

Of one thing I am certain, I have made a new friend and I will enjoy and learn for whatever period of time our paths remain crossed, as I hope he will too. 

Random Thoughts and Events...

Apparently I am short on both these days.

I realize that I generally get inspired by things I observe. I guess I have not been getting out as much since I bought the condo, hence not observing much.

Thoughts...

My good friend Robert pointed out that I have had lots to blog about but I have simply been respectful (for lack of a better word) enough not to. I have definitely had things to say but this forum is not appropriate for every thought I have or event I live through. I find that I have a clear view of the fact that every story is a matter of perspective. I do however think this is somewhat unique and don’t want to talk about some events in my life that refer to other people for fear of opinions being formed of those people. Opinions that do not take into account those people’s perspective.

Events...

I guess I have not talked too much about the condo. Not too many people buy property as an impulse purchase but that is exactly what happened to me. A friend at work mentioned the place, I looked it up on MLS and the next thing you know I was checking it out and putting in an offer.

So it is a small, bachelor unit. Not the downtown loft condo I would have liked but a nice little starter place. Definitely a quiet neighbourhood. I am fixing things up nicely, mostly decorating at this point. I have an eighty’s kitchen that will need to be replaced but that will likely be for next year. The bathroom is going to be a two phase renovation. Sink and vanity will be replaced shortly and the tiling and tub will be down the road. Right now I am working on the storage room. So glamorous. Also on the list; flooring, a bit more painting, a couple light fixtures, etc...

I do have some additional thoughts regarding a shift in my thinking regarding starting to date. A shift brought on by a new friend. I’ll save that for the next entry which I promise won’t be too long from now.

An Amendment or a Softening

I have had two friends comment on my Driving Myself Crazy post. My one friend who probably knows everything current in my life messaged me worried about how I was doing; the other friend thought I was sad.

Maybe I can change the tone of the post by changing one word. I used the term heartbreak perhaps rather lightly. I don’t like the idea of taking my words back and I have never gone back and edited a post for anything more than missed spelling or grammar. I will not go back and actually change the post but how about you read it again and replace heartbreak with disappointment.

Additionally, my friend Kea left a comment and I would like to respond to the following part of it.

“I'd be looking a little deeper at this, at why you entangle yourself emotionally with those who are unavailable or who are not suited for you, long term.”

I go for young men because they are not jaded by years of... Life. That and they are so damn cute. Trust me, if I could find a good looking, trim, active, man in his 40’s who can be cuddly without being clingy and can stay up past 9:00 PM I’d be all over him.

So to wind this down, I am not heartbroken, I am not sad. I have been disappointed in the past and I will be again in the future but it’s all part of the journey.

To the Anonymous person who commented on my Shitty Fucking Day post, thank you for your comments. They are greatly appreciated.

Driving Myself Crazy

So I have come up with a theory. This is what I do when I drive by myself, I think too much.

So my theory is that I may have come to an age where I may be too set in my ways and in what I want that I can no longer date anyone. Strike that. I couldn’t date someone else who was set in their ways. That would be anyone in my age range. As an example I will give you sleeping habits. I really don’t want to deal with some sweaty, snoring, flailing bed mate. How about eating habits? Drinking out of the carton, leaving crumbs in the butter or any other number of annoying practices. Don’t even get me started on personal hygiene.

This whole thing supports my attraction to younger men. They are not set in their ways. They are in effect, trainable. However, as pretty as they are, as trainable as they may be they are just fleeting diversions. I can connect with them physically but only rarely emotionally. On those rare occasions I can look forward to heartbreak, unintentional on the young man’s part but still hurt that I would rather not have to deal with.

Of course in the end I know that I cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who has so little common ground. I know this in my mind. Sometimes my mind and my heart don’t communicate as they should. Lesson learned. Lesson forgotten. Till I learn it again.

So I am back to thinking that I may be broken in some way, unable to date anyone, or for that matter be “dated” by anyone. Sadly this realization comes at a time when I would consider seeing someone on a regular basis.

Realize that this is not some sad pity party I am attending. These are just the things that bounce around in my head when I drive a long distance by myself. I do in fact have a healthy belief that there may be a man out there who will figuratively sweep me off my feet. I also know that if he never shows up I will be just fine on my own.