Sunday, December 25, 2011

Love Is A Four Letter Word

Love is one of those words.  We all use it in different ways.  It has different meanings for each of us.  It has levels and depths and insinuations.  Some are afraid to use it, some use it callously.  Then there is the whole thing about putting the "in" before the word.  In love.

I am uncertain if I have ever been in love.  I have definitely fallen for people.  Actually, I fall hard, it's not pretty.

As for the word love, I refuse to save it for spousal purposes only.  Given that I'm single it is probably a good choice if I ever want the chance to use the word.  Okay, well I guess there is family, I use the word in reference to them as well.

I guess the family thing actually solidifies my use of the word in reference to my friends.  I definitely think of my friends as my chosen family and I definitely love them.

Hear that friends?  I love you all.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Looking For Comfort In All The Wrong Places...

I came to a realization recently that I have been “hooking up” not because I wanted sex, or to get off.  I have been hooking up because I have been lonely.  This is NOT a good reason to hook up. 

I have left most hookups with the thought that I could have really just stayed home and jerked off.  This is because with only a few exceptions I have had no emotional connection with the other person.  I have no need to be “in love” with the other guy, nor do I even need to love him.  I do need to like him though.  I need to feel like this is a person I would like to spend time with.  More than that, I need to know that HE would like to spend time with me. 

I feel that more than anything right now I want to wake up with somebody.  I don’t however want to wake up with some random trick; in fact I don’t even care if there is any sex in this equation.  I want it to be someone who wants to be there, someone who wants to be with me.  Maybe even somebody who needs to be with me, somebody who just needs to be held.  I have found that I can take equal comfort in holding someone as I get from being held. 

There have been few hookups lately; I think less than six in the last six months, not counting one guy that I guess I could say I dated for a couple weeks.  Every one pretty much the same, same ambivalent feelings after.

My real fear in all this is that I might get into a relationship with the wrong person in order to get the things that I am lacking.  I might not need to fear this as I have managed to stay single for this long.  Definitely a record for me.  However, I still fear the possibility of this clouding my judgment at some point.  I guess as long as I keep it in mind I should be able to keep it in check.  At the very least I will try.