Sunday, December 11, 2011

Looking For Comfort In All The Wrong Places...

I came to a realization recently that I have been “hooking up” not because I wanted sex, or to get off.  I have been hooking up because I have been lonely.  This is NOT a good reason to hook up. 

I have left most hookups with the thought that I could have really just stayed home and jerked off.  This is because with only a few exceptions I have had no emotional connection with the other person.  I have no need to be “in love” with the other guy, nor do I even need to love him.  I do need to like him though.  I need to feel like this is a person I would like to spend time with.  More than that, I need to know that HE would like to spend time with me. 

I feel that more than anything right now I want to wake up with somebody.  I don’t however want to wake up with some random trick; in fact I don’t even care if there is any sex in this equation.  I want it to be someone who wants to be there, someone who wants to be with me.  Maybe even somebody who needs to be with me, somebody who just needs to be held.  I have found that I can take equal comfort in holding someone as I get from being held. 

There have been few hookups lately; I think less than six in the last six months, not counting one guy that I guess I could say I dated for a couple weeks.  Every one pretty much the same, same ambivalent feelings after.

My real fear in all this is that I might get into a relationship with the wrong person in order to get the things that I am lacking.  I might not need to fear this as I have managed to stay single for this long.  Definitely a record for me.  However, I still fear the possibility of this clouding my judgment at some point.  I guess as long as I keep it in mind I should be able to keep it in check.  At the very least I will try.


Matt Schachter-Tribe said...

I can actually relate, I haven't really had anything serious since September and I have been hooking up maybe more than uh usual lol... It has not all necessarily been one-nighters, but nothing I really see going anywhere. When I really think about it, I just miss having someone to talk to all the time and a steady level of sex and romance and all that... I suppose I didn't really have the time anyway and I still might not.

Or maybe I needed the break from monogamy and now I miss it because I'm a sucker for that kind of thing..

I think that some times you can just meet someone who you're maybe not going to marry or be exclusive with, but who you really feel a connection with and all that.

Sorry to comment on old post, just lurkin :)

Don said...

You write well Mikey and you express so perfectly the way that I feel. I gave up on the hookups after a year or so of being single, I realized they gave me nothing and left me feeling empty and craving someone to care for and care for me even more. I decided to just "wait for Mr. Right" to come along when I least expect it and to stop trying so hard. Being in three relationships (including the last one for 13 years, the true love of my life) since my early 20's I have never got used to being single and not having that special someone to share great moments and special times with. But 8 years out I still believe that it will happen. I have to believe it.