An Amendment or a Softening

I have had two friends comment on my Driving Myself Crazy post. My one friend who probably knows everything current in my life messaged me worried about how I was doing; the other friend thought I was sad.

Maybe I can change the tone of the post by changing one word. I used the term heartbreak perhaps rather lightly. I don’t like the idea of taking my words back and I have never gone back and edited a post for anything more than missed spelling or grammar. I will not go back and actually change the post but how about you read it again and replace heartbreak with disappointment.

Additionally, my friend Kea left a comment and I would like to respond to the following part of it.

“I'd be looking a little deeper at this, at why you entangle yourself emotionally with those who are unavailable or who are not suited for you, long term.”

I go for young men because they are not jaded by years of... Life. That and they are so damn cute. Trust me, if I could find a good looking, trim, active, man in his 40’s who can be cuddly without being clingy and can stay up past 9:00 PM I’d be all over him.

So to wind this down, I am not heartbroken, I am not sad. I have been disappointed in the past and I will be again in the future but it’s all part of the journey.

To the Anonymous person who commented on my Shitty Fucking Day post, thank you for your comments. They are greatly appreciated.

Driving Myself Crazy

So I have come up with a theory. This is what I do when I drive by myself, I think too much.

So my theory is that I may have come to an age where I may be too set in my ways and in what I want that I can no longer date anyone. Strike that. I couldn’t date someone else who was set in their ways. That would be anyone in my age range. As an example I will give you sleeping habits. I really don’t want to deal with some sweaty, snoring, flailing bed mate. How about eating habits? Drinking out of the carton, leaving crumbs in the butter or any other number of annoying practices. Don’t even get me started on personal hygiene.

This whole thing supports my attraction to younger men. They are not set in their ways. They are in effect, trainable. However, as pretty as they are, as trainable as they may be they are just fleeting diversions. I can connect with them physically but only rarely emotionally. On those rare occasions I can look forward to heartbreak, unintentional on the young man’s part but still hurt that I would rather not have to deal with.

Of course in the end I know that I cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who has so little common ground. I know this in my mind. Sometimes my mind and my heart don’t communicate as they should. Lesson learned. Lesson forgotten. Till I learn it again.

So I am back to thinking that I may be broken in some way, unable to date anyone, or for that matter be “dated” by anyone. Sadly this realization comes at a time when I would consider seeing someone on a regular basis.

Realize that this is not some sad pity party I am attending. These are just the things that bounce around in my head when I drive a long distance by myself. I do in fact have a healthy belief that there may be a man out there who will figuratively sweep me off my feet. I also know that if he never shows up I will be just fine on my own.

Here now, there later...

So I am not in the place I would have thought I would be at this point in my life. At almost 44 years old I would have expected to be in a much more secure place. I guess you just never know what life is going to throw your way. I'm not saying I am in a bad place, just not where I would have expected to be. Maybe it is more that I am not where I percieve the average guy my age would be.

I guess I can talk about where I am. I am no longer in my own house. I am now living with a friend. Taking advantage of what I think is a mutually beneficial situation. Cheap rent for me, extra cash for her. I am looking at it as a year to "regroup" both financially and mentally. I plan to be in much better shape on both fronts 12 months from now.

So with another relationship gone, and with the nagging thought that I have wasted a couple people’s time, I am pretty sure I won’t seriously consider anything long term for a really long time. I am pretty okay with this direction. I have reconnected with some old friends, I have made some new friends, and I have received solid support from my friends who were there all along.

It has been a stressful couple months and I am sure there is more stress in store but I’ll just have to get through it like everyone else has to. When all else fails I know I have my big dumb dog who will lick my face and make me feel better.

Changes on the way...

Well the big news is that I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. It was a rough call because once you make the move it is a pretty permanent thing and I wanted to be sure. Spent a few weeks going over and over things but in the end I decided it was the best thing for both of us. The event itself was less dramatic than I thought it might be which is good. Still it was a difficult time for both of us.

The main issue centered around communication. We both are guys who do not communicate our feelings well. That is a lethal combination when it comes to relationships. Any kind of relationship really. Oddly, we are now communicating better than we ever have. I guess with the pressure off it's easier to tell him what pissed me off and for him to do so as well.

So now comes all the work of dealing with real estate and separation of property. I'm sure there are going to be many bumps along that road. We'll manage I'm sure.

The conclusion I have come to is that it is time for me to be alone. I am not relationship material. I think some time for just me and my puppy will be a good thing.

Stood up at Starbucks...

...So I have time to blog.

WTF! Has it really been since January? I keep promising to update more and never do. Well I am a nice guy; no one said I was reliable too. Last time I posted we were heading in to Reelout. I am happy to report it was a phenomenal success. I waited for the disasters but they never came. Sure there were a couple kinks along the way but all were quickly resolved or had no visible impact. I can honestly say I am pretty proud of what we accomplished. It was a lot of hard work by many people but so well worth it. Now we are already planning for Reelout 12 and I know we learned lots to help us make it even better.

I was very lucky to meet and spend time with some awesome filmmakers over the week and I am pretty proud that I managed to see 54 of the 58 feature length and short films that we brought to Kingston. I very much make it a point to not see the movies ahead of time and try to work the festival in a manner that allows me to see the movies. I make it a point to buy a pass and see all the movies I can. That way I will go see things that I normally wouldn't see. As a community we are small and we tend to divide further by gender. I like to make a point of checking out the lesbian movies and I like to see the women come out to see the guy's movies too. In fact the women do seem to make more of an effort to see a broader range of movies. So guys, get out there and check out lesbianism, don't let them show us up.

Reelout 11

It has been way too long since I posted anything here. Crazy. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you all about Reelout. For a few years now I have been enjoying Kingston's very own queer film festival. While enjoying it last year I, of course, was critical of the organization behind it. At some point I decided it was time to stop bitching about it and about the queer community in general, and step up and contribute. So what I did then was become a member of the Board of Directors for Reelout. We had many challenges but with less than two weeks till our opening night I think I can safely say the chaos is in hand. I can also safely say that due to a lot of hard work by a lot of dedicated people Reelout 11 is going to be an incredible festival.

My plan is to do contribute as much before and after the screenings so I can actually enjoy the festival itself. I have high hopes that this will be Reelout's most successful year to date. Till next year...