I came to a realization recently that I have been “hooking up” not
because I wanted sex, or to get off. I
have been hooking up because I have been lonely. This is NOT a good reason to hook up.
I have left most hookups with the thought that I could have really just
stayed home and jerked off. This is
because with only a few exceptions I have had no emotional connection with the
other person. I have no need to be “in
love” with the other guy, nor do I even need to love him. I do need to like him though. I need to feel like this is a person I would
like to spend time with. More than that,
I need to know that HE would like to spend time with me.
I feel that more than anything right now I want to wake up with
somebody. I don’t however want to wake
up with some random trick; in fact I don’t even care if there is any sex in
this equation. I want it to be someone
who wants to be there, someone who wants to be with me. Maybe even somebody who needs to be with me, somebody
who just needs to be held. I have found
that I can take equal comfort in holding someone as I get from being held.
There have been few hookups lately; I think less than six in the last
six months, not counting one guy that I guess I could say I dated for a couple
weeks. Every one pretty much the same, same
ambivalent feelings after.
My real fear in all this is that I might get into a relationship with
the wrong person in order to get the things that I am lacking. I might not need to fear this as I have
managed to stay single for this long.
Definitely a record for me. However,
I still fear the possibility of this clouding my judgment at some point. I guess as long as I keep it in mind I should
be able to keep it in check. At the very
least I will try.
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