Love Is A Four Letter Word

Love is one of those words.  We all use it in different ways.  It has different meanings for each of us.  It has levels and depths and insinuations.  Some are afraid to use it, some use it callously.  Then there is the whole thing about putting the "in" before the word.  In love.

I am uncertain if I have ever been in love.  I have definitely fallen for people.  Actually, I fall hard, it's not pretty.

As for the word love, I refuse to save it for spousal purposes only.  Given that I'm single it is probably a good choice if I ever want the chance to use the word.  Okay, well I guess there is family, I use the word in reference to them as well.

I guess the family thing actually solidifies my use of the word in reference to my friends.  I definitely think of my friends as my chosen family and I definitely love them.

Hear that friends?  I love you all.

Born High Def in an 8 Bit World

So I have always been a technology addict. However, a funny thing happened on the way to the twenty-first century: I never got into gaming. To be fair my introduction to gaming was Pong. Perhaps I was ahead of my time then and just gave up on the possibility of gaming being remotely engaging. I did eventually graduate to an Atari console. Space Invaders, Asteroids and Missile Command. These games were an improvement but still didn't hook me on gaming beyond the life of the console. To be fair, it actually didn't die it just stopped being used.

I recently was hanging out with friends and a round of Mario Party was suggested. I passed but told them to go ahead and I'd just watch. Funny thing happened though, I thought it looked fun. A week or so later I played a round with another friend and I was hooked. I bought myself a Wii and the rest is history.

The world of gaming has changed a lot. Beyond better graphics and all the other technical stuff. Gaming is totally a separate form of entertainment. A form of entertainment requiring vast amounts of coordination. Coordination and patience. Oh and memory, probably my weakest area.

I was looking for a first person shooter game and a friend loaned me Metroid. I got 5 minutes in and got stuck because I could not figure out how to open a door. I just wanted to shoot things. The modern video game seems to be a movie where YOU are/control the main character. Really, I just wanted to shoot things.

Oh it's going to be a learning curve...

Happy thoughts...

Okay so this is not the entry I was going to post tonight. I had a somewhat lengthy blog about my views on my relationships past, present and future. It seemed to be getting a bit heavy and I felt it really wasn't saying anything but was potentially sounding whiny.  The draft is saved, it may yet turn up but I decided to go a different direction tonight.

I need to blog about the good stuff in my life. I haven't been lately. Okay, I know I haven't been blogging at all lately. but I seem to have been blogging some pretty heavy stuff and it's time for some random events instead of random thoughts.

So this past weekend was my 45th birthday and I celebrated with my friends. Friday night was a birthday party for myself and two other August babies. Happy Birthday to Calvin (August 21) and Stephen (August 30). Hosted by Matt and Chris it brought together a bunch of awesome people to be sure. Pre and post party hosted by Eric, always a good time.

Saturday and Sunday brought good times with more friends, Saturday morning coffee and movie with Colin, sushi dinner with Rob, hanging out with Shaunna and Harlee for a bit (Ninjering called on account of rain).  Sunday morning coffee with Kim and dinner with the parents. Throw in Happy birthday calls from my sister and my ex-wife (a whole other story) and you've got the makings of one of the best weekends ever.

Some other random good stuff in my life right now: Jessie, the best dog ever. Yoga. Starbucks Vanilla Lattés.  Aussibum Underwear.  Summer. 

I am not 20something anymore...

These are words to live by, or rather words to stay alive by.

I planned on getting drunk last night. I did not plan on being barfing drunk by 1AM though. Actually it was earlier than that. I gave up and taxied home at 1AM. This was a real shitshow in my mind. I hope it didn't look as bad from the outside. The whole problem revolves around trying to keep up with a 21 year old. Drinking Fireball Whiskey has never been a problem but the quantities and timing last night were a bit accelerated for me I think.

The evening started at a friend’s place. He has graciously hosted many a pre-party and has included me often which is very kind of him given we really don’t know each other all that well. There are always interesting people there and I generally just hang out and take in all the conversation. I did realize after the last one that I let my habit of being a quiet observer overshadow the fact that I was at a party and should be participating more. I think I was better last night. That is before the liquor kicked in, which was thankfully after leaving the party. We went to The Mansion and then to The Renaissance. Yes I puked in two different establishments last night. A personal record for me, thank you very much.

My intention was to blame this all on Colin. However, as the evening started with a hug from him when I got to the party and ended with a hug as he sent me to my taxi, as well as the fact that he is babysitting me from afar tonight I will let him off the hook. I will however not let him mix my drinks next time.

That is all. I am now going to watch a Julia Roberts chick flick and drown my loneliness in Haggen Daz. Cheaper than Therapy.

Does this outfit make me look fat?

The question no man ever wants to hear.  Truth is there are many questions we don't ever want to answer honestly.  If you think about it there are many questions, asked or unasked, that we don’t want the honest answer to as well.

As friends, we want to be supportive.  From our friends we want the same.  If we are contemplating an unwise purchase we might want our friends to be honest if they think it's a bad idea.  If we have made up our mind or have already made the purchase we want friends to agree with us that it was an awesome buy.  Stronger than that as the friend in the former scenario we are compelled to be supportive.  After all, the damage is done.  What will honesty serve now?  Who wants to say “I told you so” anyway?

Scenario number two: Your friend tells you the guy you are dating (or girl in the case of people who date girls) is not right for you, nasty, gross, smelly, too rich, too poor, too educated, uneducated or for whatever reason inappropriate.  You are pretty likely to dismiss this opinion, after all, you know yourself better.  Depending on your friend’s conviction you may well estrange yourself from them.  Why would you want an unsupportive friend?

Sometimes I think I am a bad friend.  I haven’t told anyone their boyfriend was a jerk.  I didn’t tell someone they were being unreasonable when they clearly thought they were not and I clearly thought they were.  I may have told someone that colour doesn’t suit them while it was on the rack but held my tongue when it was in the bag.  I just want everyone to be happy and I seem to think agreeing with someone makes them happy.  In the short term it probably does.  In the long term; you might be looking at a huge bite in the ass.

So I have not answered any deep, philosophical question here.  I still don’t know what the answer is.  Honesty is important and I think most of us strive for that.  On a friendship level can we be brutally honest and still have friends?  I’m not sure we could.  It is a social experiment I don’t think I could try given the risk.

PS: Does this outfit make me look fat?

Why am I still up?

Oh yes, the Java Chip Frappuccino at 3:00PM and the Vanilla Latte at 6:00PM.  That would do it.  I have a feeling it is going to be a long day at work tomorrow.  I believe Friday is going to be a bit of a challenge as well but I'll cover that in another post if there is anything worth covering.  I will definitely be stopping at Starbucks in the morning on my way in.  I'll need something to get me through the morning.

A reasonably uneventful weekend.  Highlights would include a Bon Voyage party for Matt and Chris who are on their way to Iceland, France and Italy.  A very enjoyable time.  I also got to grab a drink with my sister who was in town judging a gymnastics competition.  She is in town for this fairly frequently but doesn't often get much down time so it was good that we managed to steal an hour to catch up a bit.  Mother will certainly be happy.

To any art fans who follow me, check out my friend Mack's new website.  Check out the gallery, Disconnect I and Disconnect II will be gracing my walls shortly.  I am lucky to have talented friends.  Much of the art in my place has been done by friends.  I am honoured to be able to display their work, be they professional artists like Mack or novice talents.  Thanks to all who have cotributed to my personal gallery, Richard, Tracy, Ryan, Rob, Calvin and Mack.  Thanks to Colin for thirty days of literature.  Thanks to Dan for getting me into art in the first place.  To all of you, I hope I have managed to give you back something in return for what you have given me.

And now, I shall make an attempt to sleep...

The Dating Game

I had hoped to write this sooner.  I really just have to get back into the habit of writing.  I also need to get into the habit of running, biking, climbing and yoga.  Well that's another blog all together.

In my last entry I alluded to a shift in my thinking regarding dating.  After ending my last long term relationship I decided that I would wait at least a year before I would entertain the idea of dating.  I did break that briefly, I dated a great guy but knew early that he was not "the one" for me.  We continue to be friends and sometimes still go out on dates.  That was my favourite thing about my time with him, we had great dates.  Anyway, I digress...

A few weeks back I got to spend a Sunday afternoon with a young man who made me realize a few things.  I realized that there were things I was missing.  Not to brag but for some reason sex is not difficult for me to find.  So I have enjoyed the company of men from time to time and have enjoyed the physical contact.  What was missing was affection.  I did not realize I was missing it until this particular afternoon.  I have another friend with whom I have snuggled on the sofa to watch a movie and I always enjoyed it.  Perhaps it was my state of mind that Sunday but Colin gave me the proverbial kick in the ass that has put me in a state of mind that I like the idea of having someone in my life. 

Now don't go thinking that it was all that simple an epiphany.  I was actually pretty confused about it and about potential feelings for someone who was clearly not an appropriate candidate for me.  For someone as self-aware as I believe I am I have often been pretty confused about my feelings.  I have been known to fall for the idea of a person rather than the person themself.  In the end though I realized what was what.  I now have a more clear understanding of what I would like and am keeping an open mind to the possibilities.

Of one thing I am certain, I have made a new friend and I will enjoy and learn for whatever period of time our paths remain crossed, as I hope he will too. 

An Amendment or a Softening

I have had two friends comment on my Driving Myself Crazy post. My one friend who probably knows everything current in my life messaged me worried about how I was doing; the other friend thought I was sad.

Maybe I can change the tone of the post by changing one word. I used the term heartbreak perhaps rather lightly. I don’t like the idea of taking my words back and I have never gone back and edited a post for anything more than missed spelling or grammar. I will not go back and actually change the post but how about you read it again and replace heartbreak with disappointment.

Additionally, my friend Kea left a comment and I would like to respond to the following part of it.

“I'd be looking a little deeper at this, at why you entangle yourself emotionally with those who are unavailable or who are not suited for you, long term.”

I go for young men because they are not jaded by years of... Life. That and they are so damn cute. Trust me, if I could find a good looking, trim, active, man in his 40’s who can be cuddly without being clingy and can stay up past 9:00 PM I’d be all over him.

So to wind this down, I am not heartbroken, I am not sad. I have been disappointed in the past and I will be again in the future but it’s all part of the journey.

Here now, there later...

So I am not in the place I would have thought I would be at this point in my life. At almost 44 years old I would have expected to be in a much more secure place. I guess you just never know what life is going to throw your way. I'm not saying I am in a bad place, just not where I would have expected to be. Maybe it is more that I am not where I percieve the average guy my age would be.

I guess I can talk about where I am. I am no longer in my own house. I am now living with a friend. Taking advantage of what I think is a mutually beneficial situation. Cheap rent for me, extra cash for her. I am looking at it as a year to "regroup" both financially and mentally. I plan to be in much better shape on both fronts 12 months from now.

So with another relationship gone, and with the nagging thought that I have wasted a couple people’s time, I am pretty sure I won’t seriously consider anything long term for a really long time. I am pretty okay with this direction. I have reconnected with some old friends, I have made some new friends, and I have received solid support from my friends who were there all along.

It has been a stressful couple months and I am sure there is more stress in store but I’ll just have to get through it like everyone else has to. When all else fails I know I have my big dumb dog who will lick my face and make me feel better.

About Time For Part II

Picture it: PEI, August, 2009...

Two fags board the boat (Ferry, actually) from PEI to Nova Scotia. The ferry was big, it's been a long time since I've been on a boat that big. The trip was totally uneventful though. Kinda boring actually. We got to Nova Scotia and drove in to Halifax. Dan got pissed off at the GPS because it didn't take us in the way he did it previously. Despite this we did make it to the Prince George hotel. With Dan's past history with the hotel we were upgraded to the "Crown" floor, very nice room. I was totally looking forward to a nice swim and soak in the hot tub knowing that the set up would be nice in such a good hotel. Totally dissapointed that they chose that particular Tuesday night to close the pool for maintenance. That made me unhappy.

After checking in we gave our friend Stew a call, then the three of us headed out for dinner. Now four days in the Maritimes you would have thought we would have had seafood but we still hadn't. Well this was the night to remedy this. We finally chose a place right on the water called Murphy's. I am not a fan of fish so my idea of seafood is scallops and lobster. My order was easy, bacon wrapped scallops to start and a lobster wrap as my entree. I prefer lobster cold and already out of the shell. Whole lobster is way too much work for me. As we were waiting to order I heard these fateful words from the waitress to the patrons at the next table: "We are out of the bacon wrapped scallops." Just my luck. Well the lobster wrap was fantastic so I did get over it. Dan had the whole lobster. Carcass on a plate, creepy. After dinner we wandered and ended up at Starbucks, great end to a great day.

On Wednesday we met up with Stew at the Starbucks and he gave us an insightful tour of the downtown of Halifax. Insightful because our guide, Stew, works for the city and has lots of inside info that most wouldn't know. Like how many garbage cans are around and why there are no benches on the sidewalks. Who knew they were unsafe? Lunch was at a local pub, and there I got my bacon wrapped scallops. After that a bit more touring around then it was back in the car for the trek back to the cottage in New Brunswick.

I thought Part II would complete the saga but it looks like this is going to be a trilogy. Stay tuned for more...

Furries know how to party

It has been a busy couple of weeks. Definitely good busy. Working backwards I'll start with Pittsburgh.

Last year we tagged along when our favourite furrie went to Anthrocon in Pittsburgh. Anthrocon is a furrie convention. If you don't know what a furrie is I will let you do your own research on that. So anyway, we tagged along last year and got a one day pass for the con and spent the rest of the time checking out Pittsburgh. I really did not expect much from Pittsburgh but I was surprised. I refer to it as a little Chicago, and I LOVED Chicago. So we decided this year that we would go back mostly to get some of the pictures we lost when one of our SD cards went missing. We also decided that we would go for a full weekend pass since the price was only a bit more than the one day pass. It was a great move. We did get out and get some more pictures, museums and some shopping, but the bulk of the weekend was spent with the furries.

The highlights were the dances which put any dance here to shame. Awesome music, awesome light shows and so much fun. I danced my ass off, sadly mostly by myself. I missed my little straight boy who I was grinding with last year but I still had a blast.

We also got to watch the most incredible fireworks show from the roof of the convention center. Sadly next year's con is not on the 4th of July weekend again. That would have been a big draw for me.

Last big thing of the weekend was Saturday night's dinner. We happened across a place called The Sonoma Grille. I had an asparagus salad to start and a stuffed pork tenderloin. I can't even describe how good the entree was. Definitely worth going back for. For desert I was deciding if I would go with the Creme Brule that I knew they would have or if I would go for something chocolate for which I was having a craving. Eric, our waiter brought over the desert menus and started giving us some suggestions. The first thing he mentioned was their chocolate creme brule. I stopped him there and went for it. It was perfect.

As for the con itself, it very much reminds me of the Star Trek conventions I attended years ago. For a people watcher like me it is a very interesting environment to spend a weekend in. Freaks, geeks, weirdos and the odd normal person.

Next post I will go further back into the past and write about the previous weekend which was Toronto Pride weekend.

Weekend Update

So when my friend Steve asked how my weekend was today I said it was okay. Upon reflection it was actually much better than okay.

Saturday started with a bit of running around. Despite the cool afternoon weather we took Jessie for a walk downtown and had coffee with Meghan on the patio at Sipps. Dan and I decided to catch a movie in the evening so we checked out Angels and Demons which I thought was quite good to the dismay of the critics.

After the movie I returned the call from Meghan that came in about half way through the movie. It was an invitation to go for drinks at Tango. After a few drinks there I was feeling pretty good. Tim and Brooke (AKA Gunther) and some of her friends showed up. Another drink then we took off and left the kids to play. Apparently when I got home I updated my MSN tag to let everyone know I was drunk. Go figure.

Sunday started off with Brunch of course. A bit of shopping. I was almost as excited to pick up the new bedspread as I was to pick up the next volume of the James Bond movie collection. That's right, just one more to go now and I will have them all. We watched Goldfinger which is the third movie but in my opinion the beginning of the James Bond formula.

Between shopping and James Bond there were a couple open houses and an awesome, though cold, barbecue hosted by Amy and Keith. Good times.

Roadtrip...

So I just finished a week of training for yet another new department move at work. The schedule was 4:00PM to 12:30AM. That has to be the shittiest time ever to be stuck in a training room.

Saturday morning Meghan, Tim and I are heading to Toronto for some shopping while Dan will be flying back from Victoria. I'm sure the three of us should have a good time, we always do.

Speaking of roadtrips, I drove to Ottawa last Sunday for coffee. Is that odd? Well more properly I went there to have coffee with a couple friends. It was a kind of last minute hit-and-run kind of thing.

Time flies...

Even when you are not having fun.

I can't say there has been no fun at all. Definitely had a good weekend with friends and shopping and brunch and coffees. All the usual events that make up my weekends and my life. Plenty more of that to come I'm sure.

Work: After just a couple weeks in my new department I have been voluntold to go into training to go back to Business Care. For those of you who recall my last time in Business Care you might remember that it was a definite low point in my time working there. Now the plus side of this new move is that we no longer have Inbound Business Care. The department is now completely offline. This means I will not be taking calls from pissed off people who are too dumb to be able to read their bills or people who think their children would never rack up hundreds of dollars in text messaging. Now I will just be processing email requests to change rate plans and upgrade handsets. The work should be better but the hours, not so much. Oh well at least I still have weekends off.

Penny: The Prednisone worked fast when we started her on it but Penny is starting to show some of the original symptoms again. Otherwise she is still doing well. Her energy level is a bit lower than usual but she's still got bark left in her. In fact since the inflamation around her throat has not come back she is able to bark again. She does love to bark. I think it is one of her favourite things to do. I wonder if I will miss that barking too... Decision time is coming but I think we still have a bit of time.

Mission: Imposible

Alright I am now on a mission. I am going to find an attractive lesbian for Meghan to date. Surely there is one out there that will fit the bill.

On the whole, lesbians are a mystery to me. Judging only by what I have seen, excepting Meghan, they have little care for their outward appearance and instead focus their energy on social or political causes. There is also equal interest in emo poetry, acoustic guitars and Birkenstock sandals.

I will give you that the above are broad generalizations (like the one that says gay men are all about outward appearance and sex-Oh wait, that one IS true) and I would really like someone to prove me wrong.

So this weekend we will be going to the Circus at The Grad Club and I am going to be looking for a 24 to 32 year old attractive, in shape, intellegent, funny lesbian for Meghan.

Wish me luck...

Looks like the "Sliding Scale" got stuck at the top...

There was a benefit event for HARS held at The Grad Club this weekend that we attended. Dan's sister and her boyfriend were down and came with us along with, of course Meghan and Tim. The night started off with dinner at Woodenheads then Drinks at Tango where Meghan and Tim joined the party. Good times and gummi-worms there as usual.

Around midnight we headed to The Grad Club figuring the party would be in full swing by then. The cover was suposed to be $7-10 but they just took the $10 per person without asking. I suspect that had to do with the shitty attendance of the event. It was quite obvious that there was some other event on somewhere as there was a total lack of gay guys there. There was an above average female presence there though I got the impression that the majority were not even queer. The dance floor was totally lacking in energy though the music was pretty good. We missed the drag performance by Miss Tyffanie which was a drag but we also missed the poetry slam which was definitely a good thing. There was an art exhibit upstairs which actually had some nice pieces along with the usual trash that comes from people who think they are artistic. I guess to be fair art is a very personal thing and even though I saw no merit in some of it, likely someone did.

All in all we did have a good time but I am happy that the cash went to HARS because we could have stayed at Tango and had just as good a time. That being said the "Circus" is in town this Friday and we are off to The Grad Club again. Here's to Queers!

The Queer Community

Well Reelout is done and gone for another year and though they had some (major) bumps along the way they did manage to pull together a decent festival. If you don't know what Reelout is you should check out their website.

Amonng my Kingston family (Meghan, Tim, Dan and I) the festival this year sparked an interest to get involved. Well it did for 3 out of the family at least. We will be attending our first Reelout board meeting on February 24th and barring any major issues I believe Meghan, Dan and I will be full on members of the Reelout Board of Directors for the 2010 Kingston Reelout Queer Film Festival. We believe we have some good ideas to contribute to Reelout and hope that we can make a little bit of difference within the Kingston queer community.

We have had a lot of conversation lately about the Kingston queer community and how fragmented it seems to be. There seem to be many groups with many interests but there seems to be very little to bring those groups together. We are really hoping that we can find ways to get more of the community out to things like Reelout. Grad Club dances can be fun but they are not for everyone. I guess that could be said for any queer event in Kingston, hence the fragmentation.

Well time to go get ready for Brunch, my favourite part of Sunday. More to come on my thoughts about the Kingston queer community.

Food Porn

So I may have mentioned previously that although I don't cook, or even want to cook, I am hooked on The Food Network. I can watch for hours. I have all my regular shows and have learned lots about cooking. I even know what deglazing a pan means.

So anyway, point of my story is that when Meghan was staying with us I got her a little bit hooked too. We now refer to the shows on The Food Network as Food Porn. So totally appropriate.

Perhaps one of these days I will actually cook something. Stay tuned.

Wisdom of Meghan

Gay guy: How do I make my friends more accepting of me?

Meghan: If your friends don't accept you maybe it's time for new friends. Dump them.

I know I keep telling him to eat a sandwich...

Tim: I'll try the Slamwich.

Denny's Waitress: Would you like bacon on that?

Tim: Will that increase my chances of having a heart attack?

Denny's Waitress: Probably.