The Dating Game

I had hoped to write this sooner.  I really just have to get back into the habit of writing.  I also need to get into the habit of running, biking, climbing and yoga.  Well that's another blog all together.

In my last entry I alluded to a shift in my thinking regarding dating.  After ending my last long term relationship I decided that I would wait at least a year before I would entertain the idea of dating.  I did break that briefly, I dated a great guy but knew early that he was not "the one" for me.  We continue to be friends and sometimes still go out on dates.  That was my favourite thing about my time with him, we had great dates.  Anyway, I digress...

A few weeks back I got to spend a Sunday afternoon with a young man who made me realize a few things.  I realized that there were things I was missing.  Not to brag but for some reason sex is not difficult for me to find.  So I have enjoyed the company of men from time to time and have enjoyed the physical contact.  What was missing was affection.  I did not realize I was missing it until this particular afternoon.  I have another friend with whom I have snuggled on the sofa to watch a movie and I always enjoyed it.  Perhaps it was my state of mind that Sunday but Colin gave me the proverbial kick in the ass that has put me in a state of mind that I like the idea of having someone in my life. 

Now don't go thinking that it was all that simple an epiphany.  I was actually pretty confused about it and about potential feelings for someone who was clearly not an appropriate candidate for me.  For someone as self-aware as I believe I am I have often been pretty confused about my feelings.  I have been known to fall for the idea of a person rather than the person themself.  In the end though I realized what was what.  I now have a more clear understanding of what I would like and am keeping an open mind to the possibilities.

Of one thing I am certain, I have made a new friend and I will enjoy and learn for whatever period of time our paths remain crossed, as I hope he will too. 

An Amendment or a Softening

I have had two friends comment on my Driving Myself Crazy post. My one friend who probably knows everything current in my life messaged me worried about how I was doing; the other friend thought I was sad.

Maybe I can change the tone of the post by changing one word. I used the term heartbreak perhaps rather lightly. I don’t like the idea of taking my words back and I have never gone back and edited a post for anything more than missed spelling or grammar. I will not go back and actually change the post but how about you read it again and replace heartbreak with disappointment.

Additionally, my friend Kea left a comment and I would like to respond to the following part of it.

“I'd be looking a little deeper at this, at why you entangle yourself emotionally with those who are unavailable or who are not suited for you, long term.”

I go for young men because they are not jaded by years of... Life. That and they are so damn cute. Trust me, if I could find a good looking, trim, active, man in his 40’s who can be cuddly without being clingy and can stay up past 9:00 PM I’d be all over him.

So to wind this down, I am not heartbroken, I am not sad. I have been disappointed in the past and I will be again in the future but it’s all part of the journey.

Driving Myself Crazy

So I have come up with a theory. This is what I do when I drive by myself, I think too much.

So my theory is that I may have come to an age where I may be too set in my ways and in what I want that I can no longer date anyone. Strike that. I couldn’t date someone else who was set in their ways. That would be anyone in my age range. As an example I will give you sleeping habits. I really don’t want to deal with some sweaty, snoring, flailing bed mate. How about eating habits? Drinking out of the carton, leaving crumbs in the butter or any other number of annoying practices. Don’t even get me started on personal hygiene.

This whole thing supports my attraction to younger men. They are not set in their ways. They are in effect, trainable. However, as pretty as they are, as trainable as they may be they are just fleeting diversions. I can connect with them physically but only rarely emotionally. On those rare occasions I can look forward to heartbreak, unintentional on the young man’s part but still hurt that I would rather not have to deal with.

Of course in the end I know that I cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who has so little common ground. I know this in my mind. Sometimes my mind and my heart don’t communicate as they should. Lesson learned. Lesson forgotten. Till I learn it again.

So I am back to thinking that I may be broken in some way, unable to date anyone, or for that matter be “dated” by anyone. Sadly this realization comes at a time when I would consider seeing someone on a regular basis.

Realize that this is not some sad pity party I am attending. These are just the things that bounce around in my head when I drive a long distance by myself. I do in fact have a healthy belief that there may be a man out there who will figuratively sweep me off my feet. I also know that if he never shows up I will be just fine on my own.