Chocolate Cake

For some reason I never told this story on my blog.  It is a story I am somewhat famous for at work.  Straight guys are in awe.

I was dating a guy for a while, didn't work out but we remained friends.  One night, after we stopped seeing each other, he started texting me jonesing for sex.  I was pretty adamant that it was not a good idea given the situation.  Here's where it all went off course.  All day I had been craving chocolate cake.  Chris had been texting me from work.  Work happened to be a local restaurant.  I asked him if they had any chocolate cake there and the answer was an affirmative.  So I told him to grab up a piece and I would pick him up from work and head back to his place.

Back at his place I got a blowjob while eating a piece of chocolate cake.  Both were good though the cake was a bit dry.

Looking For Comfort In All The Wrong Places...

I came to a realization recently that I have been “hooking up” not because I wanted sex, or to get off.  I have been hooking up because I have been lonely.  This is NOT a good reason to hook up. 

I have left most hookups with the thought that I could have really just stayed home and jerked off.  This is because with only a few exceptions I have had no emotional connection with the other person.  I have no need to be “in love” with the other guy, nor do I even need to love him.  I do need to like him though.  I need to feel like this is a person I would like to spend time with.  More than that, I need to know that HE would like to spend time with me. 

I feel that more than anything right now I want to wake up with somebody.  I don’t however want to wake up with some random trick; in fact I don’t even care if there is any sex in this equation.  I want it to be someone who wants to be there, someone who wants to be with me.  Maybe even somebody who needs to be with me, somebody who just needs to be held.  I have found that I can take equal comfort in holding someone as I get from being held. 

There have been few hookups lately; I think less than six in the last six months, not counting one guy that I guess I could say I dated for a couple weeks.  Every one pretty much the same, same ambivalent feelings after.

My real fear in all this is that I might get into a relationship with the wrong person in order to get the things that I am lacking.  I might not need to fear this as I have managed to stay single for this long.  Definitely a record for me.  However, I still fear the possibility of this clouding my judgment at some point.  I guess as long as I keep it in mind I should be able to keep it in check.  At the very least I will try.

Challenges, Easy and Improbable

I have put forth my 30 Day Challenge to become active in June but I have not posted about the 10 Day Challenge I just completed.  A challenge that probably makes June all the more necessary.  I fell into this challenge by accident.  Starbucks recently ran a promotion; Frapuccino Happy Hour.  More affectionately known, to me, as Frappy Hour.  Half price Frappuccinos every day between the hours of 3:00PM to 5:00PM.  Before I knew it I had been there the first three days of the promotion.  It seemed a logical step to make it to Frappy Hour all 10 days.  Quite proud to say I completed the challenge.  I dragged a few people with me on a few of those days, I am not above corrupting my friends.  It was fun and I enjoyed a few beverages that I would not have likely tried otherwise.  However, like coffee should not be decaffeinated, Frappuccinos should not be Non-Fat.  I am happy to go back to my Vanilla, Non-Fat Lattes. 

While on the subject of month long challenges, my friend Kaytee at work suggested my next challenge.  30 Dudes in 30 Days.  The question is: If I do this in July do I get a bonus Dude for the 31st or do I get a day off in there Somewhere?  Something tells me I would need the day off.  I have a feeling that even if I thought this challenge was possible the rules and exceptions would take the complication level beyond anything I could keep manageable.  Sorry Kaytee I'm going to have to pass on this one I think.

An Amendment or a Softening

I have had two friends comment on my Driving Myself Crazy post. My one friend who probably knows everything current in my life messaged me worried about how I was doing; the other friend thought I was sad.

Maybe I can change the tone of the post by changing one word. I used the term heartbreak perhaps rather lightly. I don’t like the idea of taking my words back and I have never gone back and edited a post for anything more than missed spelling or grammar. I will not go back and actually change the post but how about you read it again and replace heartbreak with disappointment.

Additionally, my friend Kea left a comment and I would like to respond to the following part of it.

“I'd be looking a little deeper at this, at why you entangle yourself emotionally with those who are unavailable or who are not suited for you, long term.”

I go for young men because they are not jaded by years of... Life. That and they are so damn cute. Trust me, if I could find a good looking, trim, active, man in his 40’s who can be cuddly without being clingy and can stay up past 9:00 PM I’d be all over him.

So to wind this down, I am not heartbroken, I am not sad. I have been disappointed in the past and I will be again in the future but it’s all part of the journey.

Strippers

Why haven't I seen strippers yet? So many times I have been to Toronto and I have yet to go see the strippers. I want to but it just never seems to happen. Probably won't get the chance to go when I am there for Pride. I really need to work on that.